LOVE AND MONEY: TIL DEBT DO US PART?

January 30, 2009 · Filed Under Personal finances 

The beginning stages of love feel wonderful. The first attraction that leads to those many romantic dates and eventually marriage, you wish could last forever. And then comes reality; living arrangements, family, careers, children, and the dreaded MONEY PIT. With song titles like “Gold Digger”,” Ain’t nothin’ going on but the rent”, or “Pay My Bills”, it’s amazing how we even manage to build healthy financial relationships with our partners.

The same energy and effort used to court our partner is needed tenfold when it comes to merging our ideas about money. Many of us float into our predicaments, romanticizing our way into an idealistic view about having it all, not being fully aware of what’s expected, or even wanting to face the harsh realities of having to deal with combining our finances. Unattended, love and money can mix like oil and water, leaving a difficult mess to clean up afterwards. On the contrary, choosing the responsible approach, love and money, handled properly, can reap great rewards and benefits for years to come.

I’ve heard many conversations about this topic from committed couples, married couples, and even dating couples. It’s amazing how brave everyone appears to be when divulging financial information to others about their situation. People tend to give the glossed over version of what they believe is control, when in fact, it’s typically done when the other partner is not even present. Ever had a conversation about someone who wasn’t present and that someone enters the room and everyone gets quiet? This is how it’s generally played out. If the situation was really under control, there would not be a need to cover it up.

It’s time to pull back those covers and expose some of these harsh realities. How do we expect to have a healthy relationship, when we can’t come to terms with one of the more important aspects of partnerships, which is combining resources. Love and money don’t have to exist at the opposite ends of the spectrum. They can co-exist successfully and even build a stronger union if handled properly. Just like a business, when combining resources, the ultimate goal is to benefit all parties involved by way of profit. Using the same concept, we should want to profit financially in our relationships. I’m not talking about living off the means of another. I’m talking about a genuine contribution for the benefit of the union. How do we achieve this?
Stop being selfish.
Unconsciously many of us operate in our relationships based on how it makes us feel. Ultimately this will cause separation and discord. The reason being is the focus is on Me, Myself and I, instead of We. When we don’t get what we want, the easiest solution is to leave. Audrey Chapman, a relationship expert and author, has cited the definition of love being: the act of being selflessly motivated for the complete emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical well being of another. Need I say anymore?

Treat your financial relationship like a business.
Operating a business can be very mechanical in nature but also proves to be very practical. Businesses are in operations for the sole purpose of profit. Management will organize, prepare, and plan to make it as successful as possible in order to reap the benefits. Your financial relationship with your partner should have the same goals. Organize, plan, and prepare yourselves for a profitable co-existence. Be sure to educate yourself on topics such as
• Life Insurance
• Health Insurance
• Retirement Plans
• Alimony
• Child support
Don’t let surprises throw you off balance. Do your homework up front. Schedule time on a monthly basis to have a discussion on finances. Create an agenda of topics to discuss and follow through with research. That’s right; this is your family financial board meeting.

Reveal your financial skeletons to your partner
There is nothing worse than finding out that your partner is financially defunct after you got married. This is where many of us make a mistake. Once you and your partner have made a decision to join in marriage, sit down and have a no holds barred discussion on your financial history. What you find out today can determine if you get married tomorrow. Don’t be ashamed, because this will demonstrate if your intended partner truly loves you in spite of your predicament. But be realistic about how to handle your problems. Create an action plan with milestones to achieve, to get you where you desire to be together.

Decide on ownership
Make the decision on who will be represented as owner on assets such as bank accounts, property, policies, & investments. This is very important. Depending upon your financial profile it may be beneficial to have only one person listed as owner. For example if your spouse has bad credit, it may be necessary to only list yourself on the deed for the property. Or, if your spouse has outstanding IRS liens or levies, all property owned by that individual would be subjected to the lien. Be very careful when making such a decision. Your best approach is to consult an attorney about the ownership statues of your particular state.

Decide if you need a pre-nuptial agreement
Do they create the air of defeat before the marriage starts? Are we preparing for the worst? Not exactly. Very wealthy individuals find it necessary to protect themselves and their legacies from potential unscrupulous activity. I have to admit that I am biased when it comes to this subject. My feeling is why would this be necessary if your partner is truly trustworthy? Although a controversial subject, it still needs addressing. Consult with an attorney before making any decisions, and good luck!

When it’s all said and done, remember the ultimate goal is to work together to resolve all financial issues whether they were created individually or together. Love and Money does co-exist with a lot of hard work, focus and most of all commitment!

Partnering for your success

Jacqueline Williams
Financial Strategist

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